A Union of Two Souls - Advice to my Son-in-Law

This is the advise I gave my Son-in-law, a year after he married my Daughter. Am sharing it with you all because it may help to better the relationship of our son's/son-in-law's. You may like to share it with them....                                                                                                                                   ~ LV

Son you must always remember….no man is an island. That is why it is said, “A marriage is never a union of only two individuals…. but of two families”. This is important because one can always fall back on this support system as and when ‘fierce winds blow’. You must know that your Mother-in-Law and I are always there as your well wishers and we have, if nothing else, the wisdom of the years.

But it is for you to realise this and reach out when you feel things are beginning to go astray.

Some salient points on marriage you should keep in mind:

Remember these Do’s & Don’ts:

1)        Though necessary, love is not sufficient in itself for a successful marriage. Understanding, trust, respect, commitment and support are some of the other attributes, necessary for a long and happy marriage.

2) Disagreements in marriage are bound to happen, resolve them amicably. Never raise your voice and never ever abuse, neither physically nor emotionally. Your problems will get solved but her heart can get scarred forever.

3)        Always give more priority to being a better husband than being a better father, though both are equally important. Your children will grow up and move on with their individual pursuits but, your wife is always going to be there with you.

4)        Before complaining about having a nagging wife, think, do you fulfill your share of household responsibilities? She wouldn’t have to nag you if you did all that you were supposed to by yourself.

5)        If your woman has stood by you and supported you to pursue your interests, you should return the favour by doing the same. Encourage her to pursue her passion and extend her as much support as she needs.

6)        A time can come in your life when you might feel that your wife is no longer the woman you got married to. At that moment, contemplate, look at yourself. Have you also changed? Is there some soul searching that you need to do?

7)        If you ever wonder how good a husband and a father you have been in your life, don’t look at the money and wealth you have made for them. Look at their smiles and look for that twinkle in the eyes of your Wife and child. You will get your answer.

8)        Your wife has a very special ability to sense negative energy and pressure. She can’t “read your mind”, but she “feels your love”. This “intuition” is widely documented, though many women don’t even trust it themselves. But they WILL react to it. We men are so simple, so direct, so “what you see is what you get”. This is why we stink at reading between the lines and taking hints.

9)        This is also why we stink at truly understanding the avalanche of emotions we can cause in our women, without even knowing it. It’s obvious that your angry toned, table pounding, perfectly logical argument will ruffle emotional feathers. What’s NOT obvious is how she FEELS your intentions. Even without a word, if your energy oozes the least bit of resentment, condescension, or judgment – YOU have already declared war. And yes, it’s your fault. Sorry.

10)      The GOOD NEWS is that your wife feels positive intention the exact same way. Positive intention means positive energy which means everything you say and do is coming from a different place – a place of love. Instead of judgment, your intention is acceptance. Instead condescension, your intention is respect. You get the idea. It MUST be true. You MUST be authentic. The results you will see in the tone of your conversations are absolutely mind-blowing! But YOU have to GO FIRST.

11)      If you ever decide your wife is simply not sexual, not physically affectionate, not the way she used to be, you’re wrong. Just like you, she is designed for sexual arousal and sexual pleasure. That’s about where the similarities end. She does think about sex. But, if your marriage has tensions, she just doesn’t have YOU in mind. Don’t let “life” numb your awareness of your responsibility. Sex is not a guaranteed fringe benefit of marriage. Sex is the result of an age old cycle of attraction & flirtation. And that’s really all that she wants. Don’t ever lose this recipe.

12)      Your wife will rightfully expect and appreciate some leadership from you! Leadership is an important part of the attraction formula. Many men allow their women to lead everything:

•          The Kid Department

•          The Laundry Department

•          The meal department,

•          The cleaning department

•          The relationship department,

•          And even the sex department! This is where they go wrong.

13)      The Husbands who do not take their responsibility of Leadership of some of the departments find themselves begging for morsels of respect and physical affection. They don’t deserve it. You see, at the cost of repetition, the type of leadership I’m talking about is really about 'Your' ownership of some of the departments.

14)      Taking responsibility and following through is absolutely SEXY. Establishing your personal values for what you’re in charge of, is SEXY. Playing your role in keeping the relationship loving, respectful and fun, is SEXY. 

15)      This type of leadership and togetherness with your partner will finally allow her to feel safe, trusting, and relaxed because YOU have stepped up. A woman lucky enough to have a man like this doesn’t have to resort to nagging or bossing. With the right level of leadership she will respect you, partner with you and be proud of you.

16)      She picked you for a reason. Don’t spoil it for yourself. She loves you for who you are now. But, you have a lot of growing to do still. Within the first few years of marriage, many men lose sight of who they are and why they picked each other. They can grow impatient, critical, and judgmental. These negative emotions start in very subtle ways during seemingly inconsequential events. If you’re not careful, those events will lead to bigger events and soon you may find that her trust, respect, and attraction for you has faded away.

17)      Be the man she married. Be the man she needs. Be the man who is better than trying to “get even” by creating bad feelings in her just because you’re feeling bad.

18)      Love her. Give to her without expecting something back. Respect her words and her dreams without judgment.

19)      Talk to her. Be open. Be vulnerable. Let her understand you and your fears. Cry with her.

20)      But don’t stop leading! Lead YOURSELF first so you can lead her to a stronger marriage.

21)      Accept responsibility. Expect more from yourself. Surround yourself with other good men like you who are on the same path.

I, as your Father-in-law, am one of those men and I’ll always be with you – for the rest of my life.

22)      Lastly, the best gift you could ever gift to your children is to love one another. True love transcends all barriers. Always remember, loving parents raise wonderful loving children.

God bless you, my son.

Lots of Love,

 yours,

“Pa”… 🤗👊

                                                                                        ~ Courtesy ~ Major Harpal Singh Virk (Veteran)